Back in the Saddle Again
Hello again! I am back from a long absence, and I am glad to be here again. As you might recall, several months ago I got the news that my father is in the late stages of terminal cancer. He is still at home in Seattle, and is receiving excellent hospice care. Although his physical condition has declined significantly, he is still mentally sharp and very positive about his situation. I cannot speak for other members of my family, but I can tell you this experience really knocked me on my backside!
In the early days and weeks after the news, I busied myself with tears and talk. Later, as we adjusted to “the new normal,” I took another trip out to Seattle to see my dad. We had great talks and cleared up any lingering misunderstandings. Apologies went back and forth, were accepted, and we were able to move on. When I returned home, I continued on with school and work (although I did drop one class, which resulted in me getting a nasty letter from my college’s Financial Aid office…blah!), but I have to say I was still in a kind of impaired mental state. I was very forgetful, had erratic and frequent mood swings, and generally just wasn’t very efficient. My work suffered, and I was unable to do much more than the bare minimum of housework, errands, and social niceties. Anytime I thought of writing anything for Psychic Thought, I quickly dismissed it, just seeing a big BLANK on my mental screen for it. There was literally nothing for me to say…I certainly had no words of wisdom for anyone, or any particular insight worth sharing–I was floundering myself!
Christmas and New Year’s went by in a blur, but since Dad made it through those holidays, it feels like everyone had a big sigh of relief, and started the year with more optimism. True, we know that the end of the road for my Dad really isn’t some distant, over-the-horizon, “someday” event anymore. But at the same time, he’s here TODAY, he’s with us TODAY, and he’s lucid and as funny as ever TODAY. That is good enough for me, and I’m very grateful for it.
Another aspect of “the new normal” regarding my Dad is that we’ve taken to having daily, five-minute phone calls. These are not heavy, ponderous, baggage-filled types of calls, but rather brief check-ins and a kind of CNN Headline News for my life and his. “How ya’ doin’, kiddo?” my Dad asks. “OK, work is work, business is up (or down), the weather is good (or bad).” It’s good enough for the both of us.
I can’t think of anything particularly “psychic” to say about this experience, except that of course, when I step away from the emotion of the situation, I can look at the condition of my own attachment, fear, and aversion that is making me suffer. I’m doing it to myself! But on the other hand, I also now believe that going through such struggles is not necessarily a bad thing, or “wrong” in any way. It is what it is–a personal journey, and it doesn’t need to be evaluated or judged. But we can engage with experiences like this, and eventually perhaps use them for positive purposes, if we are willing to at least step aside for a moment and simply observe the experience. Quieting of the mind and simply observing can illuminate even the darkest corners.
In October, I wrote on the white board next to my desk my goal for that month. I chose one of my Dad’s favorite sayings, “keep pickin’ ‘em up and puttin’ ‘em down,” which was an exhortation to just KEEP GOING. It wasn’t until last night that I was able to, more than halfway through January, pick a goal for January. I was stuck in procrastination paralysis, which I have struggled with for much of my life. I decided to choose this: “Take two breaths, and begin.” One breath wasn’t enough time! But if it takes only two breaths to get it in gear, then take them.
Good luck and Happy New Year!




