I was strongly influenced by a dear friend of mine named Angelia, who passed away a little more than three years ago now. Angelia often stressed the importance of paying attention to one’s feelings about whether a particular activity, relationship, or choice actually felt right. Paraphrasing, she said “if you cannot do this without having feelings of grace and ease, then it probably isn’t the right thing to do.”

 For the short time I knew her, which was from 2003 to her death in 2007, we had a number of conversations like this. I was floundering in my career, experiencing ongoing culture shock, adjusting to severely straitened financial circumstances, and was having a very tough time on the dating scene! This job, or that job? This man, or that man? This choice, or that choice? Angelia was absolutely tireless in her support of me, and was completely dedicated to her position of putting the feelings of grace and ease as a primary criterion for decision making.

 This is not to say that Angelia didn’t do things that were difficult. In fact, she astounded everyone by her tireless efforts. For two years, in fact, she simultaneously ran her own highly successful massage therapy practice, studied and became ordained as a minister, and also underwent an extremely demanding professional massage therapy licensing course—her original training and licensure from another state had expired, so to meet Las Vegas licensing requirements she had to do the whole course over again. She did this as a woman in her fifties, with very little money, and also while having to move around a fair amount to find affordable accommodation. And yet she never complained. She simply expressed, over and over again, how great it felt to be doing all the things she loved. She loved learning, she loved helping, and she loved accomplishing her most cherished goals. She loved having the chance to finally honor both her intellect and her healing gifts, by using them to their fullest capacity.

 At the beginning of this month, I set my goal for June. My goal for this month was “Do as much of it as you can stand!” Needless to say, when I set that goal I wasn’t feeling very inspired or joyful about my upcoming month. At the beginning of the month, I was struggling between my desire to honor a commitment I had made to my soon-to-be former boss, and my desire to be DONE with the job as quickly as possible. I had decided that I did not want to leave my boss in the lurch by not finishing out the school year with her (I work in education in various capacities because I love teaching and regular paychecks). On the other hand, I knew deep inside that, like Angelia, for something to be worth doing for me, I had to also feel grace and ease. I hadn’t been feeling that for quite some time in that particular management position. I am fortunate enough to have a very understanding boss, and we agreed to work within the existing arrangement for the rest of the school year. I will then step down from that position and rejoin the company in my original teaching capacity. So while I have spent the month doing what is “right” in terms of my commitment, I have simultaneously spent it doing work that feels like anything but graceful and easy.

 Which brings me to the question that I raise today. Feeling or doing—which is better? Looking at this last situation, I’m not sure that the question should be posed as an “either/or” question at all. In fact, the answer seems more to me like that of the sign of infinity (a sideways figure-eight), or one of those Mobius strips that have no true beginning or end. Offering to continue to do work that was clearly not a good fit for me was the right thing to do in the situation, so even though doing the work was painful, doing what was “right” was graceful and easy. On the other hand, now that I’ve had experience with this type of work, I sure know darn well that accepting another position like it would not create feelings of grace and ease!

 If I were really stuck with the stark choice: do you want to do what is right OR do you want to do what is easy, in the end I feel it’s still best to do what is right. You can’t undo harm you have done to another, so it’s best to do no harm at all. But thanks to Angelia’s wise words ringing in my head, and my own hard lesson learned, here’s my two cents…tune into your feelings BEFORE you make an agreement, not afterwards!

Hello again! I am back from a long absence, and I am glad to be here again. As you might recall, several months ago I got the news that my father is in the late stages of terminal cancer. He is still at home in Seattle, and is receiving excellent hospice care. Although his physical condition has declined significantly, he is still mentally sharp and very positive about his situation. I cannot speak for other members of my family, but I can tell you this experience really knocked me on my backside!

In the early days and weeks after the news, I busied myself with tears and talk. Later, as we adjusted to “the new normal,” I took another trip out to Seattle to see my dad. We had great talks and cleared up any lingering misunderstandings. Apologies went back and forth, were accepted, and we were able to move on. When I returned home, I continued on with school and work (although I did drop one class, which resulted in me getting a nasty letter from my college’s Financial Aid office…blah!), but I have to say I was still in a kind of impaired mental state. I was very forgetful, had erratic and frequent mood swings, and generally just wasn’t very efficient. My work suffered, and I was unable to do much more than the bare minimum of housework, errands, and social niceties. Anytime I thought of writing anything for Psychic Thought, I quickly dismissed it, just seeing a big BLANK on my mental screen for it. There was literally nothing for me to say…I certainly had no words of wisdom for anyone, or any particular insight worth sharing–I was floundering myself!

Christmas and New Year’s went by in a blur, but since Dad made it through those holidays, it feels like everyone had a big sigh of relief, and started the year with more optimism. True, we know that the end of the road for my Dad really isn’t some distant, over-the-horizon, “someday” event anymore. But at the same time, he’s here TODAY, he’s with us TODAY, and he’s lucid and as funny as ever TODAY. That is good enough for me, and I’m very grateful for it.

Another aspect of “the new normal” regarding my Dad is that we’ve taken to having daily, five-minute phone calls. These are not heavy, ponderous, baggage-filled types of calls, but rather brief check-ins and a kind of CNN Headline News for my life and his. “How ya’ doin’, kiddo?” my Dad asks. “OK, work is work, business is up (or down), the weather is good (or bad).” It’s good enough for the both of us.

I can’t think of anything particularly “psychic” to say about this experience, except that of course, when I step away from the emotion of the situation, I can look at the condition of my own attachment, fear, and aversion that is making me suffer. I’m doing it to myself! But on the other hand, I also now believe that going through such struggles is not necessarily a bad thing, or “wrong” in any way. It is what it is–a personal journey, and it doesn’t need to be evaluated or judged. But we can engage with experiences like this, and eventually perhaps use them for positive purposes, if we are willing to at least step aside for a moment and simply observe the experience. Quieting of the mind and simply observing can illuminate even the darkest corners.

In October, I wrote on the white board next to my desk my goal for that month. I chose one of my Dad’s favorite sayings, “keep pickin’ ‘em up and puttin’ ‘em down,” which was an exhortation to just KEEP GOING. It wasn’t until last night that I was able to, more than halfway through January, pick a goal for January. I was stuck in procrastination paralysis, which I have struggled with for much of my life. I decided to choose this: “Take two breaths, and begin.” One breath wasn’t enough time! But if it takes only two breaths to get it in gear, then take them.

Good luck and Happy New Year!

I was reading for a client on Sunday, and, as often is the case with my clients, her life was in a mess in one particularly large and important area. The details of her situation aren’t that important to what I want to say today, though, so I won’t go into them. However, she did say something that has stuck in my mind for several days. She brought up the notion of being in a slump.

When we think of a slump, most Americans immediately think of baseball players, particularly batters. For some mysterious reason, a perfectly good or even excellent batter just starts missing the dang ball, over and over again. What gives? No one REALLY has figured out why batters go into and out of these slumps; we just observe them come and go. While they’re making their way out of the athlete’s life, though, we all sit biting our nails and wondering how long it will last—especially the athlete!

My client was talking about her niece who played softball, and who actually was struggling with being in a slump. The niece was surprised, though, when my client summed it up that way: “Don’t worry, kiddo, you’re just in a slump!” The girl didn’t know what a slump was. No one had ever taught her what the word meant. As such, she couldn’t identify it in her own life, nor did she realize that this was so common that there was a widely used word for it.

So, when have you been in a slump? What part or parts of your life was it in? When did it start, and how long did it last? Did you notice when it started going away? Did you have to do anything to make it leave, or did it just sort of disappear on its own?

Personally, I’m in a bit of a slump right now. “Things” (what a wonderfully vague, diffuse, covers-all-manner-of-sins word it is!) just “aren’t going right.” I’m just feeling blah these days. I don’t have my usual enthusiasm, optimism, or verve. I’m sleeping too much, not exercising enough (not exercising at all!), and I’m foolishly spending time worrying about people and things I can’t control. Duh! Physician, heal thyself! Preacher, practice what you preach!

The nice thing about it, is that I do know that slumps come and go. In the particular Tarot deck I use, the Fortune card is depicted by a serene woman overseeing a giant, spoked, turning wheel. One man is climbing up the wheel, another man is falling off. Such is life…the wheel does keep on turning (but does Proud Mary keep on burning? Ha!), and the only thing that changes is our position on it.

A boss I had at WEMU, the public radio station I worked at during college, once said to me, “Listen. Your business is never frozen. It is ALWAYS either going up or down.” He’s right. (He also said “don’t forget, people judge you by your shoes,” but that’s a topic for another post!) Our slumps are either moving out of our life or into them, but they will never stay forever. By the way, sometimes you can have a seven-year slump…those are painful and annoying as anything, and they do sometimes FEEL like they will be here forever. But they won’t

Good luck, everybody!

Lana

Let me tell you, there is great freedom that presents itself when you notice that your actions or thoughts are futile. Now, what do I mean by “futile”? Certainly, American culture resists the notion of futility. We are taught to try, try, try again. We don’t like quitters, because they are labeled “losers,” or people with a “negative attitude.” But actually, there is great wisdom that can be gained when we just take a deep breath and say, “this is not working. It never worked before, it’s not working now, and it’s not ever going to work. Enough!”

In that empty space that follows, usually what rushes in is the immediate thought “well, if that doesn’t work, what will?” This is solution oriented thinking, and when applied in the right circumstances, it entirely appropriate. We’d never have the light bulb, if Thomas Edison had just thrown up his hands and given up. Artists would never become masters, writers would never write their great works. We get impatient with ourselves when we have gone just beyond the beginner’s stage but have not become fully at ease with our work. We hate our own intellectual puberty!

Still, in terms of consciousness, we have to go a bit deeper to see how our habitual thought patterns and the roles we play unconsciously can, if they are not truly authentic or meaningful, just keep us trapped in our own misery. Responding to our own emotional trigger points, attaching ourselves to our identity and our ego trips, carefully feeding and tending our “righteous” anger until it grows like kudzu…all of these are things we do habitually, but not for any dang good reason at all.

We make the mistake that because something that is an ingrained habit within ourselves and most of the people we encounter, we believe it is “natural.” It is not. These attitudes and practices are futile. Once we realize that, we can begin to be free. We can experience that empty space within us, and instead of just rushing in with “solutions” to our existential pain, we can just be with it, and watch it grow, grow, and finally burst like a bubble into nothingness. Then the stillness can come. We can realize that in that quiet, still emptiness, all becomes OK. There is no question of whether something is useful or futile. The question itself just disappears, and we are free.

Good luck!

I just read for a client who is a lovely, lovely woman, having trouble moving ahead with her life because she’s still hung up on trying to reconcile with her ex. Besides giving her advice that was specific to her, I reminded her that “you can’t fix stupid.” In other words, it was clear that the guy was unable to appreciate what a gem he had in this lady, and that ending the relationship was a very dumb move on his part.

But people doing stupid things that end up hurting themselves and others is not exactly front-page news. What I’d like to talk about today is how we make ourselves suffer by trying to “fix stupid” in others.

Essentially, there comes a time when you have to decide whether you’re going to hang in there and keep trying to “fix” another person, or whether you’re going to just cut it and go. Listen carefully, gentle readers…you cannot make another person mature on your timetable!

Truly. You can’t. You can attempt to lead by example (the most powerful form of teaching), and you can try to spot when people are “open” to learning or seize a “teachable moment.” But that doesn’t mean they’ll learn what you want them to know, no matter how hard you try, or how appropriate the moment is, or badly you feel they are in need of your wisdom. The fact is, if they aren’t “getting it,” then they aren’t ready for it! What is the point of trying to teach a kindergartener Calculus? If they’re ready for it, they’ll seek you out. But if not, why are you bothering to try to teach them something they aren’t ready to absorb or use anyway? They’re still working on how to tie their shoes!

When you find yourself frustrated at another person’s apparent obtuseness, remember that you are reacting that way because you are attached to your own desires and craving. Then remember that “hell is other people,” and you are making that true for yourself. Teach only to the level your student has the ability to comprehend. Otherwise, you are just broadcasting your own drama of attachment to the person, who will eventually get bored and later, hostile.

Summing it up, here’s what I want to say. Never run after a relationship when the other person has made it clear they don’t want to be part of your “classroom.” Work only with your eager and willing students, and remember, the person dumping you now is the person who is actually YOUR teacher…not the other way around! You have things to learn from them, so be a good student, pass their examination, and don’t hang around after school!

Good luck!