Feeling Or Doing? Which Is Better?

I was strongly influenced by a dear friend of mine named Angelia, who passed away a little more than three years ago now. Angelia often stressed the importance of paying attention to one’s feelings about whether a particular activity, relationship, or choice actually felt right. Paraphrasing, she said “if you cannot do this without having feelings of grace and ease, then it probably isn’t the right thing to do.”

 For the short time I knew her, which was from 2003 to her death in 2007, we had a number of conversations like this. I was floundering in my career, experiencing ongoing culture shock, adjusting to severely straitened financial circumstances, and was having a very tough time on the dating scene! This job, or that job? This man, or that man? This choice, or that choice? Angelia was absolutely tireless in her support of me, and was completely dedicated to her position of putting the feelings of grace and ease as a primary criterion for decision making.

 This is not to say that Angelia didn’t do things that were difficult. In fact, she astounded everyone by her tireless efforts. For two years, in fact, she simultaneously ran her own highly successful massage therapy practice, studied and became ordained as a minister, and also underwent an extremely demanding professional massage therapy licensing course—her original training and licensure from another state had expired, so to meet Las Vegas licensing requirements she had to do the whole course over again. She did this as a woman in her fifties, with very little money, and also while having to move around a fair amount to find affordable accommodation. And yet she never complained. She simply expressed, over and over again, how great it felt to be doing all the things she loved. She loved learning, she loved helping, and she loved accomplishing her most cherished goals. She loved having the chance to finally honor both her intellect and her healing gifts, by using them to their fullest capacity.

 At the beginning of this month, I set my goal for June. My goal for this month was “Do as much of it as you can stand!” Needless to say, when I set that goal I wasn’t feeling very inspired or joyful about my upcoming month. At the beginning of the month, I was struggling between my desire to honor a commitment I had made to my soon-to-be former boss, and my desire to be DONE with the job as quickly as possible. I had decided that I did not want to leave my boss in the lurch by not finishing out the school year with her (I work in education in various capacities because I love teaching and regular paychecks). On the other hand, I knew deep inside that, like Angelia, for something to be worth doing for me, I had to also feel grace and ease. I hadn’t been feeling that for quite some time in that particular management position. I am fortunate enough to have a very understanding boss, and we agreed to work within the existing arrangement for the rest of the school year. I will then step down from that position and rejoin the company in my original teaching capacity. So while I have spent the month doing what is “right” in terms of my commitment, I have simultaneously spent it doing work that feels like anything but graceful and easy.

 Which brings me to the question that I raise today. Feeling or doing—which is better? Looking at this last situation, I’m not sure that the question should be posed as an “either/or” question at all. In fact, the answer seems more to me like that of the sign of infinity (a sideways figure-eight), or one of those Mobius strips that have no true beginning or end. Offering to continue to do work that was clearly not a good fit for me was the right thing to do in the situation, so even though doing the work was painful, doing what was “right” was graceful and easy. On the other hand, now that I’ve had experience with this type of work, I sure know darn well that accepting another position like it would not create feelings of grace and ease!

 If I were really stuck with the stark choice: do you want to do what is right OR do you want to do what is easy, in the end I feel it’s still best to do what is right. You can’t undo harm you have done to another, so it’s best to do no harm at all. But thanks to Angelia’s wise words ringing in my head, and my own hard lesson learned, here’s my two cents…tune into your feelings BEFORE you make an agreement, not afterwards!

Once More…With Feeling

Hello again, everyone! And again, after a LONG absence, I am back at my website and happy to be here. Remembering that “the perfect is the enemy of the good enough,” I’m using this time to just get started again, instead of making my usual procrastinator’s mistake of waiting to “get ready” before starting.

Since my last posting, my dear father passed away. I can’t think of much to say that anyone else hasn’t said or felt when they have lost a parent. I miss him greatly and everyone who knew him also misses him. He died on February 23rd, just a few weeks shy of his 79th birthday, at a hospice facility in Seattle, surrounded by people who loved him.

I wasn’t there when he passed away. In fact, when I look at the time that he died and recall what I was doing at the time, I realize I was on my way back from Amargosa Valley, Nevada to my home. I’d spent most of the day giving tests to kids who were struggling in school, so they could get the tutoring help they needed to succeed. I didn’t have any strong psychic vibe about him passing, and didn’t realize it had happened until my brother called me later to tell me. All I do recall was feeling very peaceful and spending a lot of time looking at the sky on the way home. Although my professional ego took a bit of a beating (I, of all people, “should have” sensed when he passed immediately!), what was unusual was that in the coming weeks, I felt more peaceful and even happy that his suffering was over. I was relieved that our family’s struggle was over, as I personally have never felt more helpless than I did watching my Dad being in excruciating pain for a couple of days. (Fortunately, he finally got the amount of medication appropriate to his level of pain, so he did not die in pain.)

Now that I’m writing this, I realize why I’ve been avoiding doing so for so many months! This is hard, and it brings up a lot of memories of that very dark time. The mind is amazing, though—it can use its own mechanism of healing to ease pain and allow us to keep moving forward in life. If anything, my father’s passing has given me a boost to take bolder, more courageous steps in my life. I can feel him silently cheering us all on, and would like to honor him by taking those same steps.

Back in the Saddle Again

Hello again! I am back from a long absence, and I am glad to be here again. As you might recall, several months ago I got the news that my father is in the late stages of terminal cancer. He is still at home in Seattle, and is receiving excellent hospice care. Although his physical condition has declined significantly, he is still mentally sharp and very positive about his situation. I cannot speak for other members of my family, but I can tell you this experience really knocked me on my backside!

In the early days and weeks after the news, I busied myself with tears and talk. Later, as we adjusted to “the new normal,” I took another trip out to Seattle to see my dad. We had great talks and cleared up any lingering misunderstandings. Apologies went back and forth, were accepted, and we were able to move on. When I returned home, I continued on with school and work (although I did drop one class, which resulted in me getting a nasty letter from my college’s Financial Aid office…blah!), but I have to say I was still in a kind of impaired mental state. I was very forgetful, had erratic and frequent mood swings, and generally just wasn’t very efficient. My work suffered, and I was unable to do much more than the bare minimum of housework, errands, and social niceties. Anytime I thought of writing anything for Psychic Thought, I quickly dismissed it, just seeing a big BLANK on my mental screen for it. There was literally nothing for me to say…I certainly had no words of wisdom for anyone, or any particular insight worth sharing–I was floundering myself!

Christmas and New Year’s went by in a blur, but since Dad made it through those holidays, it feels like everyone had a big sigh of relief, and started the year with more optimism. True, we know that the end of the road for my Dad really isn’t some distant, over-the-horizon, “someday” event anymore. But at the same time, he’s here TODAY, he’s with us TODAY, and he’s lucid and as funny as ever TODAY. That is good enough for me, and I’m very grateful for it.

Another aspect of “the new normal” regarding my Dad is that we’ve taken to having daily, five-minute phone calls. These are not heavy, ponderous, baggage-filled types of calls, but rather brief check-ins and a kind of CNN Headline News for my life and his. “How ya’ doin’, kiddo?” my Dad asks. “OK, work is work, business is up (or down), the weather is good (or bad).” It’s good enough for the both of us.

I can’t think of anything particularly “psychic” to say about this experience, except that of course, when I step away from the emotion of the situation, I can look at the condition of my own attachment, fear, and aversion that is making me suffer. I’m doing it to myself! But on the other hand, I also now believe that going through such struggles is not necessarily a bad thing, or “wrong” in any way. It is what it is–a personal journey, and it doesn’t need to be evaluated or judged. But we can engage with experiences like this, and eventually perhaps use them for positive purposes, if we are willing to at least step aside for a moment and simply observe the experience. Quieting of the mind and simply observing can illuminate even the darkest corners.

In October, I wrote on the white board next to my desk my goal for that month. I chose one of my Dad’s favorite sayings, “keep pickin’ ‘em up and puttin’ ‘em down,” which was an exhortation to just KEEP GOING. It wasn’t until last night that I was able to, more than halfway through January, pick a goal for January. I was stuck in procrastination paralysis, which I have struggled with for much of my life. I decided to choose this: “Take two breaths, and begin.” One breath wasn’t enough time! But if it takes only two breaths to get it in gear, then take them.

Good luck and Happy New Year!

When Your Best Laid Plans Are…Just Rubbish

Many years ago, I went through an intensive teacher training course in England. In order to get on it, you had to have taught full time for five years after obtaining your initial teaching certificate. I was thrilled to get accepted on the course, since it was at one of the top institutions in the U.K., and I knew it would end up being the resume equivalent of a feather in my cap.

I took the course, and it wasn’t until I was halfway through it and feeling more stress than I’d ever experienced in a learning environment, that the instructor let something drop that reframed the entire experience for me. He said “our intent is to entirely deconstruct your teaching so you can rebuild it here.”

Over the past couple of months, I’ve been going through a similar deconstruction process with regards to a professional goal I’d set myself—one also related to teaching. I won’t go into it in detail, but the penny finally dropped yesterday. My plan, that I’d designed, spent thousands of dollars on, and have spent thousands of hours carrying out…is just garbage. It’s unworkable because I’ve realized that the professional goal I’d set just isn’t attainable. The world of education I’d experienced as a student has completely disappeared, and it isn’t coming back. As it is impossible to participate in a world that is extinct, I’m left with the realization that there is no point in continuing to pursue my goal. The object of it doesn’t exist!

I feel a little bit like Don Quioxte, having tilted at windmills. One of my Celtic tarot cards shows a woman who has found that the entrance to a sacred place has been completely blocked. She has turned away from the place, but is standing on the road with her back to it. She is standing still, looking a bit lost and baffled. She knows that what she wanted just isn’t going to happen, but she doesn’t know where to go now. Whoops!

Sometimes it just goes like that, gentle readers. Sometimes we just have things fall apart. After the disappointment, anger or frustrated feelings pass, however, we can start to lighten up. “It seemed like a good idea at the time,” we can joke. Strangely enough, I know that my decision to abandon this plan altogether is a good one, because underneath it all, I feel a sense of relief.

So when you are faced with a similar situation, don’t be afraid to just let it all go. You do NOT have to finish everything you start, just because you started it. If you realize you’re onto a fool’s game, then stop playing it. It’s OK to give up what’s not working. And it’s also OK to sit in that stunned silence as the ground slips away from under your feet. Out of the chaos will come stillness, and out of the stillness will emerge a new order. (Out of that order, of course, chaos will come again, but you know the drill by now.)

If you are feeling some doubt about your plans, like a nagging feeling that just won’t go away no matter how hard your rational mind argues, then take a moment and imagine this: what if the King of the World told you that you could do anything else you wanted to, but that you were absolutely forbidden to continue working towards your present goal?  If you thought of this hypothetical situation and felt a glimmer of relief, joy, peace or happiness, then you really need to do some digging. What is your higher mind telling you about the situation as a whole? What about your heart? Who or what are you pursuing this goal for, and why? As Socrates said, “the unexamined life is not worth living.” Don’t be afraid to look deep within, and be willing to see the truth that is inside you.

Good luck!

The Slump

I was reading for a client on Sunday, and, as often is the case with my clients, her life was in a mess in one particularly large and important area. The details of her situation aren’t that important to what I want to say today, though, so I won’t go into them. However, she did say something that has stuck in my mind for several days. She brought up the notion of being in a slump.

When we think of a slump, most Americans immediately think of baseball players, particularly batters. For some mysterious reason, a perfectly good or even excellent batter just starts missing the dang ball, over and over again. What gives? No one REALLY has figured out why batters go into and out of these slumps; we just observe them come and go. While they’re making their way out of the athlete’s life, though, we all sit biting our nails and wondering how long it will last—especially the athlete!

My client was talking about her niece who played softball, and who actually was struggling with being in a slump. The niece was surprised, though, when my client summed it up that way: “Don’t worry, kiddo, you’re just in a slump!” The girl didn’t know what a slump was. No one had ever taught her what the word meant. As such, she couldn’t identify it in her own life, nor did she realize that this was so common that there was a widely used word for it.

So, when have you been in a slump? What part or parts of your life was it in? When did it start, and how long did it last? Did you notice when it started going away? Did you have to do anything to make it leave, or did it just sort of disappear on its own?

Personally, I’m in a bit of a slump right now. “Things” (what a wonderfully vague, diffuse, covers-all-manner-of-sins word it is!) just “aren’t going right.” I’m just feeling blah these days. I don’t have my usual enthusiasm, optimism, or verve. I’m sleeping too much, not exercising enough (not exercising at all!), and I’m foolishly spending time worrying about people and things I can’t control. Duh! Physician, heal thyself! Preacher, practice what you preach!

The nice thing about it, is that I do know that slumps come and go. In the particular Tarot deck I use, the Fortune card is depicted by a serene woman overseeing a giant, spoked, turning wheel. One man is climbing up the wheel, another man is falling off. Such is life…the wheel does keep on turning (but does Proud Mary keep on burning? Ha!), and the only thing that changes is our position on it.

A boss I had at WEMU, the public radio station I worked at during college, once said to me, “Listen. Your business is never frozen. It is ALWAYS either going up or down.” He’s right. (He also said “don’t forget, people judge you by your shoes,” but that’s a topic for another post!) Our slumps are either moving out of our life or into them, but they will never stay forever. By the way, sometimes you can have a seven-year slump…those are painful and annoying as anything, and they do sometimes FEEL like they will be here forever. But they won’t

Good luck, everybody!

Lana

Back In the Saddle Again

Hello, everyone! It’s great to be back writing Psychic Thought…I’ve missed doing it, even though I haven’t been doing it for several weeks now. (I’m saying the same thing about exercising, but I still haven’t gotten back to doing THAT yet, but first things first!) Let me explain my absence.

I mentioned a few weeks ago that a family member has been diagnosed with the late stages of terminal bone cancer, and that knocked me for a loop. Indeed, it did. Now that I understand that the family member in question is being very open about it, calling up old friends and colleagues to give them the news, I can reveal that the family member is, in fact, my father. Born in Bremerton, Washington, my dad has spent his adult life living in Seattle, Washington. I just returned from a visit to see him and my stepmother there a few days ago, and also spent a couple of days with my mother and stepmother in Bellingham, Washington. Dad is resting comfortably at home, in hospice care. He’s not going to have any medical treatment other than pain management, aka “palliative care,” and so it’s sure he’ll be able to pass away at home. He’s able to eat, talk, and walk a little, and is still as sharp and as funny as ever. He also has great meds…a blessing!

To say that I was bit surprised at the news about my dad’s health really is quite an understatement. Indeed, I now realize I’ve been walking around in a state of deep shock for a few weeks now. Really, some days I can barely remember my own name, much less think of anything articulate to say about psychic matters! Reading Lobsang Rampa’s book last night, “You, Forever,” he mentioned that when someone is grieving, the body sends out electrochemical signals to the brain to create a kind of numbness. He said that this allows the body to go through the massive energetic shift that takes place in grief, without having the person go through a total meltdown from pain. In other words, the sensation of being numb with grief is actually just a protective mechanism for the body while deep internal changes take place. The stronger the attachment, the greater the reaction—thus, the greater need for this kind of temporary psychological anesthesia.

It’s been an interesting ride so far. The two strangest things I’ve noticed about my own reaction to the news is that first, my energy levels and ability to concentrate have fluctuated both wildly and very unpredictably. Some days, I’m fine. Other days, I wake up and it’s as if I’m missing a few batteries. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to these fluctuations, at least to my conscious mind. The second thing I’ve noticed is that I seem to be doing “pre-grieving.” How strange! It doesn’t make any sense…Dad is still alive and he has the best possible care. Chances are good that he has several, maybe even many, good months left. So why am I crying about something that hasn’t happened yet? He’s not gone, and yet I’m acting as if he already is! So strange.

I was commenting to my stepmother that you never get to “practice” losing a parent. There’s no dress rehearsal, no do-overs. We agreed that for all the great care my dad’s getting, the hospice, the good meds and all the “extra” time he’s gotten to get his affairs in order and say his goodbyes, it really just amounts to a “nice silver lining on a giant, crap-filled cloud!”

An old story about a yogi and his student comes to my mind frequently. The yogi was crying over the death of one of his loved ones…I can’t remember if it was one of his students or his own guru. Anyway, there he was, the great master in floods of tears. His student asked, “Guru, why are you crying like this? You know that life is impermanent, you know the man has gone on to a new life, you know that all this is just “maya”…an illusion.” The yogi replied, “Yes, and this is a HEAVY illusion!”

Thus, my family and I are in the midst of our own heavy, heavy illusion.

Best wishes,

Lana

Freedom From Futility

Let me tell you, there is great freedom that presents itself when you notice that your actions or thoughts are futile. Now, what do I mean by “futile”? Certainly, American culture resists the notion of futility. We are taught to try, try, try again. We don’t like quitters, because they are labeled “losers,” or people with a “negative attitude.” But actually, there is great wisdom that can be gained when we just take a deep breath and say, “this is not working. It never worked before, it’s not working now, and it’s not ever going to work. Enough!”

In that empty space that follows, usually what rushes in is the immediate thought “well, if that doesn’t work, what will?” This is solution oriented thinking, and when applied in the right circumstances, it entirely appropriate. We’d never have the light bulb, if Thomas Edison had just thrown up his hands and given up. Artists would never become masters, writers would never write their great works. We get impatient with ourselves when we have gone just beyond the beginner’s stage but have not become fully at ease with our work. We hate our own intellectual puberty!

Still, in terms of consciousness, we have to go a bit deeper to see how our habitual thought patterns and the roles we play unconsciously can, if they are not truly authentic or meaningful, just keep us trapped in our own misery. Responding to our own emotional trigger points, attaching ourselves to our identity and our ego trips, carefully feeding and tending our “righteous” anger until it grows like kudzu…all of these are things we do habitually, but not for any dang good reason at all.

We make the mistake that because something that is an ingrained habit within ourselves and most of the people we encounter, we believe it is “natural.” It is not. These attitudes and practices are futile. Once we realize that, we can begin to be free. We can experience that empty space within us, and instead of just rushing in with “solutions” to our existential pain, we can just be with it, and watch it grow, grow, and finally burst like a bubble into nothingness. Then the stillness can come. We can realize that in that quiet, still emptiness, all becomes OK. There is no question of whether something is useful or futile. The question itself just disappears, and we are free.

Good luck!

Life’s Only Constant is Change

It’s been a week of change in my life, as well as for the lives of others, of course. The good news is that we have added a new member to the family, a young lady cat we got from the pound, whom we’ve named “Eve.” (My husband and I have a thing about palindromes, which indicates our level of geekdom nicely.) She’s getting used to the changes in her life, as is our cat Man Ray, who is 12 and is getting grouchy and habituated in his advancing years. He doesn’t like change! But little Evie is adjusting quite well, embracing new things, people and places with a lot of verve and affection. Welcome, Eve…you’ve really joined a house full of characters now!

The bad news is that a very close family member got the excruciating news that he seems to have a very serious, life-threatening illness. The family is waiting to hear from the doctors what the actual diagnosis and prognosis is, but clearly everyone is very upset about it. We are all struggling with the inevitability of “no solid ground” phenomena in our lives. And of course, there’s that ever-present struggle with attachment and aversion. Attachment to the person, aversion to suffering, and all the mental and philosophical arguments we’re having in our heads and in our hearts.

I sure appreciate being given the opportunity to practice what I preach! Blah…how can I communicate to you my sarcasm in that last statement! But seriously, it is an opportunity—many opportunities, really. This is a chance for everyone in the family, including myself, to let our hearts soften and let love and compassion flow. This is a chance to turn the other cheek, when “life” doesn’t give us what we want. This is a chance for us to all face up to a new reality…one we didn’t want, but one we’re going to experience sooner or later.

The night before I got the news about my family member, I had a dream. I dreamed that I was talking to him “on the other side.” He was showing me a machine, somewhat like an old Victrola, with a kind of mechanical box at the base and a large, horn-like funnel protruding from it. Emitting from the horn was a kind of targeted, focused energy, like a large, white column of moving energy resembling television static. It had a unique sound, and a very beautiful one. My family member was excitedly pointing to it and saying “Listen! This is the sight and the sound of the collective consciousness! See what focused, collective mind energy looks like when it’s specifically directed!” He was so excited about being there, and being able to uncover so many mysteries of the Earth-life system.

We’ve all got one heck of a journey ahead of us, with everyone’s life changing. Change is constant. The more we try to accept this and be OK with it, the less damage we will do to ourselves and others. How our lives change, whether it be for better or for worse, is up to us. I hope I can meet this challenge, and I hope the same for anyone undergoing change that shakes us to the core.

You Can’t Fix Stupid

I just read for a client who is a lovely, lovely woman, having trouble moving ahead with her life because she’s still hung up on trying to reconcile with her ex. Besides giving her advice that was specific to her, I reminded her that “you can’t fix stupid.” In other words, it was clear that the guy was unable to appreciate what a gem he had in this lady, and that ending the relationship was a very dumb move on his part.

But people doing stupid things that end up hurting themselves and others is not exactly front-page news. What I’d like to talk about today is how we make ourselves suffer by trying to “fix stupid” in others.

Essentially, there comes a time when you have to decide whether you’re going to hang in there and keep trying to “fix” another person, or whether you’re going to just cut it and go. Listen carefully, gentle readers…you cannot make another person mature on your timetable!

Truly. You can’t. You can attempt to lead by example (the most powerful form of teaching), and you can try to spot when people are “open” to learning or seize a “teachable moment.” But that doesn’t mean they’ll learn what you want them to know, no matter how hard you try, or how appropriate the moment is, or badly you feel they are in need of your wisdom. The fact is, if they aren’t “getting it,” then they aren’t ready for it! What is the point of trying to teach a kindergartener Calculus? If they’re ready for it, they’ll seek you out. But if not, why are you bothering to try to teach them something they aren’t ready to absorb or use anyway? They’re still working on how to tie their shoes!

When you find yourself frustrated at another person’s apparent obtuseness, remember that you are reacting that way because you are attached to your own desires and craving. Then remember that “hell is other people,” and you are making that true for yourself. Teach only to the level your student has the ability to comprehend. Otherwise, you are just broadcasting your own drama of attachment to the person, who will eventually get bored and later, hostile.

Summing it up, here’s what I want to say. Never run after a relationship when the other person has made it clear they don’t want to be part of your “classroom.” Work only with your eager and willing students, and remember, the person dumping you now is the person who is actually YOUR teacher…not the other way around! You have things to learn from them, so be a good student, pass their examination, and don’t hang around after school!

Good luck!

Good Grief!

Anytime I hear the words “good grief,” I always mentally jump in and add “Charlie Brown!” to the end of it. But what exactly is “good grief,” anyway? Is there such a thing as grieving in a good way? If so, does that mean there is a way to grieve in a bad way, too? If there is a difference, how do you tell which is which?

Philosophically speaking, grief is a response to the rupture of an attachment. Grief is an unpleasant sensation, wherein we crave the return of our object of attachment. We want to see, touch, feel, smell, be with the person or animal again. We suffer because of our cravings, and we have an aversion to the reality of loss.

Energetically, we can see attachments between people in their auras. Auras can have connections between people, and even groups, that can originate in any one or more of the chakras. This is why our language reflects grief by using such physical metaphors. The sensation of a ruptured energetic tie between yourself and another is felt by the body intensely. Feeling broken-hearted, hollowed out, a lump in one’s throat, “mad” with grief, sick to one’s stomach, feeling like the world has turned upside down, and even experiences of dissociation (“nothing seemed real for awhile, I felt like I was in a fog”) are all physical manifestations of massive energetic and psychological shifts. The mind/body connection is never more apparent than when we’re going through extreme periods of grief. I do not feel that grief should be labeled as good or bad. It is a process. It is as natural as digestion or circulation.

 We are constantly going through the process of grief, really. Whether it is something relatively insignificant, like accidentally breaking one of your possessions, or something as major as losing a loved one, we are constantly moving into and out of various stages of the cycle of grief. Since it is a natural, and inevitable part of life, though, educating yourself on grief is not a bad thing. If you are grieving and intuitively sense that you are feeling more lost or incapacitated than you would normally expect, then by all means seek help.

An analogy to this might be if you were sick with a cold. Most of us can recognize when we have colds, and although we suffer through them and might slow down and take some time off work, we probably won’t panic and rush to the hospital. But if our cold worsened and worsened and worsened, we would be doing the right thing to seek treatment. Such is the same with grief. Honor the natural process you are going through, and be patient with yourself. But if you are feeling entirely overwhelmed and that you’re just “losing it,” see someone about it!

Again, there is no such thing as “bad grief.” Sometimes we just have more intense versions of the same grief process, and we need help in handling the intensity of the experience. That’s all.

Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself, and to others. You never know who might be grieving.

 Good luck!