I just read for a client who is a lovely, lovely woman, having trouble moving ahead with her life because she’s still hung up on trying to reconcile with her ex. Besides giving her advice that was specific to her, I reminded her that “you can’t fix stupid.” In other words, it was clear that the guy was unable to appreciate what a gem he had in this lady, and that ending the relationship was a very dumb move on his part.

But people doing stupid things that end up hurting themselves and others is not exactly front-page news. What I’d like to talk about today is how we make ourselves suffer by trying to “fix stupid” in others.

Essentially, there comes a time when you have to decide whether you’re going to hang in there and keep trying to “fix” another person, or whether you’re going to just cut it and go. Listen carefully, gentle readers…you cannot make another person mature on your timetable!

Truly. You can’t. You can attempt to lead by example (the most powerful form of teaching), and you can try to spot when people are “open” to learning or seize a “teachable moment.” But that doesn’t mean they’ll learn what you want them to know, no matter how hard you try, or how appropriate the moment is, or badly you feel they are in need of your wisdom. The fact is, if they aren’t “getting it,” then they aren’t ready for it! What is the point of trying to teach a kindergartener Calculus? If they’re ready for it, they’ll seek you out. But if not, why are you bothering to try to teach them something they aren’t ready to absorb or use anyway? They’re still working on how to tie their shoes!

When you find yourself frustrated at another person’s apparent obtuseness, remember that you are reacting that way because you are attached to your own desires and craving. Then remember that “hell is other people,” and you are making that true for yourself. Teach only to the level your student has the ability to comprehend. Otherwise, you are just broadcasting your own drama of attachment to the person, who will eventually get bored and later, hostile.

Summing it up, here’s what I want to say. Never run after a relationship when the other person has made it clear they don’t want to be part of your “classroom.” Work only with your eager and willing students, and remember, the person dumping you now is the person who is actually YOUR teacher…not the other way around! You have things to learn from them, so be a good student, pass their examination, and don’t hang around after school!

Good luck!